The Wheel of Spinning
Me: Guten tag, und herzlich willkommen auf Torture Time!
Camera man: This isn't a German show...
Me: *looks down at script* Oh! Eh, entschuldigung. Hello, and welcome to Torture Time!
Camera man: Much better.
Me: Today's episode is "The Wheel of Rapid Spinning"! Our guest will be strapped onto a large wooden wheel by his ankles and wrists. I'll be over at a control panel, controlling the speed of the wheel. Our guest today is *pulls DJ Flask over from off-stage* DJ FLASK!!!
DJ Flask: Hey! I didn't sign up to be on this show! Let go of me! I don't want to—
Me: Shut up.
DJ Flask: . . .
- A microphone comes into the camera's view and hits DJ Flask in the head.*
DJ Flask: What was that?
Me: The microphone, stupid. You were bein' all quiet. Now, time to strap you to the wheel!
DJ Flask: Um...i-is this anything like that sh-shaking...?
Me: Yeah, pretty much, only with more spinny and less shakey. *forcefully pins DJ Flask to the wheel*
DJ Flask: If you don't mind me asking, uh, what gave you this idea...?
Me: My tomato juice was spiked one day and I got really, really high. I realized that a lot of inspiration can come from spiked tomato juice. Then I stopped relying on this mystery person to put the sake in my juice. I stated doing it myself, and then I got tanked, and this is what came out of it.
DJ Flask: I do believe you're underage...
Me: Ja, I am. That was a lie. The whole spiked tomato juice wasn't, but the part about the sake was. I seriously pretty much was tanked, though, when I came up with this.
DJ Flask: I am completely terrified to learn what goes on inside that head of yours, Lovino.
Me: *turns to the camera* It looks like it's time for the commercial break. Don't go away, we'll be right back with Torture Time!
Me: *sits back in a chair, looking serious and sad* I'm trying my hardest to make this a successful show, but I can't help but wonder...am I trying hard enough? If this show is a failure, then it'll be all my fault. If it fails, then I wasted my lawyer's time and money to even get this on the air at all.
DJ Flask: Why would you need a lawyer?
Me: *laughs* Surprisingly, I don't and never have. But if this show does fail, then I've wasted the time and money of everyone who has anything to do with the making of this show.
DJ Flask: ...Surprisingly...?
Me: Oh, yes. Very. *thinking* Hm...
Camera man: What?
Me: I was thinking about how Italy call Germany "Doitsu" and how that doesn't makeany sense at all bcause Italy is, obviously, Italian. Maybe Japan taught him.
Camera man: What does Doitsu mean, anyway?
Me: Big brother, best friend, protecter? I dunno, I just know that it's Japanese. *pulls out her Android and looks up "what does doitsu mean"* IT MEANS GERMANY IN JAPANESE! *launches Android across the room and it breaks* WHY DOESN'T ITALY JUST CALL HIM GERMANIA?
Camera man: *takes a few paces back*
Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Camera man: It's suicide to be near you when you're angry.
Me: I'm gonna go get some onigiri. *goes off stage*
Maple: Hey, viewers! Welcome back to Torture Time! Our host is getting some onigiri. For those idiots who don't know what that means, she's getting some rice balls. I'll be taking her place for a few minutes! *walks over to the control panel and starts the wheel*
DJ Flask: Maple?! I thought we were friends!
Maple: *pushes her glasses up* We are. But I have to follow Lovino's orders, don't I? I am her creation, aren't I?
DJ Flask: True enough.
Me: *comes back with a large plate of onigiri* Who wants a snack? I have salmon, plum, and plain onigiri right here!
DJ Flask: LOVINO! ELIZABETA! MOSS! TK! ISABEL! IMOUTO! GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!
Me: ARE YOU A MASOCHIST?? DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO BE HURT??
DJ Flask: Wh-what...?
Me: You called me Imouto. I'll beat the crap out of you for that! *smashes the control panel, causing the wheel to spin at full speed*
DJ Flask: WHAT THE BLOODY HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU??
Me: A lot of things. Now FFFFFFUUUUUUNNNNN!
DJ Flask: NOT FUN!
Me: WOULD YOU RATHER BE LAUNCHED INTO THE A RANDOM CANYON LIKE MEG??
DJ Flask: WHAT NOW??
DJ Flask: Ugh...I am really not enjoying this!
Me: Onigiri! *jumps onto the wheel, shoves some onigiri down DJ Flask's throat, and jumps off*
DJ Flask: No more...no more...
Me: What's wrong, limey?
DJ Flask: All this spinning...I think I'm gonna be sick...
Me: *in a stern voice, using a German accent* If you do, your beating will be twice as hard!
DJ Flask: YOU PUT ME ON A WHEEL AND YOU'RE SPINNING ME! WHAT DID YOU—
- The metal bindings open and DJ Flask falls to the ground*
DJ Flask: Y-you son of a bi—*gags and puts his hands over his mouth*
Me: Was that too much for you, ya freakin' limey?
DJ Flask: *too dizzy to stand up*
Me: JA ODER NEIN???
DJ Flask: Yes...
Me: Antworten in deutscher sprache!
DJ Flask: Ja...ja...!
Me: I guess we're out of time today. Darn.
- Camera focuses on me while DJ Flask is violently sick in the background*
Me: This episode wasn't as good as I thought it'd be, but I promise this show will get better. I really wish I could say no one was harmed but since I don't think that's true and I'm pretty sure it's illegal to lie about those things on shows like this, I can't. I hope you tune in next time, guys—*turns around* PLEASE PUKE QUIETER, FLASK! I'M TRYING TO WRAP UP THE SHOW, VERDAMMT! *turns back to the camera*—I hope you peeps liked the show. :D Tomorrow's episode, if I'm not cancelled, is "Desperation in a Sailor Suit", starring a gay 8-year-old crossdresser. *holds up a peace sign* All comments and questions are welcome. Tschüs!
Host - Isabel Edwards
Substitute host - Maple D'harcey
Guest star - Flask "DJ" Edmurds
Camera man - a Japanese guy who is apparently nameless
Producer - that one guy whose name doesn't matter
After the show
DJ Flask: You heartless fiend...
Me: At least you're not Shim.
DJ Flask: YOU ARE HEARTLESS! YOU EVIL LITTLE DEMON-CHILD!
Me: Whatever. I'm gonna go get an undigestible amount of food and eat it all at once. Tschüs, everyone.