My fears rise up now and again. Most would think I didn't fear anything. But I do. My fears overwhelm me. I've cried in the dark many times, even after I turned eleven. That's right...I curl up and cry my heart out. My secret fears will remain secret, though, no matter how much pain they bring me. "Suffer through your own pain. Suck it up and don't cry to other people about it." That's Daddy told me, anyway. So I've been reduced to typing my fears out on a computer. Before I started, I put on "Stand in the Rain" by Superchick and put it on loop.
"I am terrified for Jon, Amore, Jewel, and Zeel. My best friends in the world...I can't stand to think about anything happening to them. I love them so much. God, if you care, protect them. Please.
"I'm afraid of forgetting Mommy's voice. I don't ever want to forget. It broke me down, and the only reason I can get up in the morning is because I can still hear her last words: 'I will always love you.' If I forget her voice, I'm not sure what I'll do. Don't let me forget. It's been eight years and I'm already forgetting her soft voice and I've still got the rest of eternity ahead of me.
"I'm scared for Daddy's kingdom as well. Jesus, I know you'll destroy it anyway, but...it's me and Daddy's home. I'd hate it even more, though, if he was to be destroyed. I know nothing about Christianity, but I'm praying to you anyway: If you're going to destroy my father and out kingdom, please let him come back as a human. I love him as much as I loved my mother. If you're paying attention, please please PLEASE do at least that for me. My mom learned to ove him in his human form, so I'm sure you can find a part of you that loves him like a son, right? Like I said, I know nothing about Christians or Catholics or whatever, so I don't know how to properly pray."
I was crying. It was all so true, and I didn't want to finish it off with a prayer to God, for two reasons: I've been against God and Jesus my entire life, and it had hurt so badly to type out the few things that I just had. But I'd feel better after I did, so I placed my fingers back on the keys.
"Dear God, Please read over this, because if my sister is right, than you care. She also told me you provide protection and answer prayers, am I correct? I know you can help, I just know it. Even if I don't follow the same rules you do, even if I am the daughter of evil, you still love me, right? Where were you on the night of my eleventh birthday? Where were you? I needed help, but I guess you did help. I didn't cry. So stupid, isn't it? I can ramble on like this all day, but I don't want to take you away from your regular work, so I'll make the rest of this quick. Don't let anything happen to my best friends, don't let me forget my mom's voice, and please don't destroy my father completely. Beat him into the ground, just bring him back as a pure human, okay? And don't let your love for him get in the way of how you punish him. That wouldn't be fair. But then, who am I to say what's 'fair' and 'unfair'?
"In Jesus' name, Amen."
My door opened and light flooded in from the hallway. "Heyo! What's up?"
I swallow the knot in my throat. "I'm finishing my book report. You know, the one that's due tomorrow for third period?"
"Oh, right. Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt."
"It's okay. You didn't know.
* * * * *
The next day, I printed it out and put it in one of my clean vodka bottles and corked it shut. I flew out to the ocean and launched it as hard as I could. I felt better than I had in weeks.
God, I prayed. Please answer my prayers. I know You love me, even if I am the daughter if evil. You love me. I'm surprised. Thanks.